Monday, December 22, 2008

i feel pain again

yesterday i went out with him. i cried when we're at beach. i don't know why. everything is going to end soon. i don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to feel pain anymore. i want to be like last time. my heart feel so pain now. i know he moved his hands away so that i can't hold his hands. i know it. yeap ken min. you're right. i am stupid. the world stupidest girl. i told myself not to cry anymore. i can't. my heart is pain. there's a bee here and if it were the last time me. i would have run away. but now i'm here blogging. i'm not sure why. it's like i'm not scared of anything anymore except the word 'break up'. that's all i'm scared of now. i want everything to go back to normal. will talk more about the outing next time. he's busy with that girl's birthday. so i can't disturb him. cool right. that's what you call a deal.

P.S. everyone deserves a second chance. if you can have 4 chances why can't i have another chance?

Friday, December 19, 2008


why is my heart so pain now???????????? i don't want force him do things that he doesn't want to do. i don't want to cry anymore. i want to smile. i want to be happy. who can help me? what can i do? what should i do? anyone there to save me? i just want to spend more times with him before i can't do that. why can't i have it happily? why must my life be like that? why must i meet him? i don't want all this. why did i trust him in the first place? why am i so stupid to give him everything? why did i listen to all his words which is liesss after all? what is he trying to do with me? is he trying to kill my heart?i just want him to come back that's all i ask for. is it so hard to fulfill my wish???????

Monday, December 15, 2008

15th of december

it's our anniversary. which doesn't exist anymore. and also eunice's birthday!!!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL! i'm so so so sorry i can't go to queensbay. you know my mum. she don't really like me to go to queensbay already. remember before this we said that when it's ur birthday it's going to be our 3years and 5 months anniversary. but now, there's no more anniversary. i look to the future too fast. i even bought a present for our 4years anniversary already. how stupid am i?eunice, hope u are reading my blog. did u have fun? how was your birthday party? must be fun right? so sorry i can't go =/

4 more days. he will be my bf back. until the 1st of january 12am. then, i will have to start a new year with a new life. a life without him. can i go through the year or not? it all depends. it will be the toughest year ever. a year without him, SPM year, pressure year, have to accept the fact that he's going to be with another girl.... all that. it's going to be so hard. i have to go through it alone. everytime i see a guy that has some of his face structure or his hairstyle i will definitely look at the guy. it's like looking at him. how can i continue my life with this? i am just looking at the guy because he look like him. gosh. what is wrong with me? i want to forget about the past. i want to lost memory. i don't want to remember anything about the past.

i want to buy colour contact lens. but i guess it's expensive. never ask the price. don't dare to ask. =D tomorrow going back to school to buy exercise books. after that, i'm going out with soon wei. going to prangin. no money. can't buy much already. mum scolding me cause i bought a lot already. ben asked me to go to his church concert this coming friday, saturday and sunday. who to go with? at dewan sri pinang... christmas concert....

Friday, December 12, 2008

i went out with him on the 11th of december 2008. ate Kim Gary and watched the day the earth stood still. i got scared by the sound. suddenly something come out mia sound. you know right the sound. after watching movie, we went to a place. sat there and talked. i don't know what we talk about. but i know whatever we talked about also there's part where i'll laugh n there's part when i nearly cried. but i didn't because people around there, i don't want shed another tear in front of him anymore, and i'm wearing makeup. we talked about. a lot i guess. i don't know it just feel good talking to him. but after that, when i have to go meet my cousin i feel really very sad. even it's only 4 hours together, but i feel that it's very very enough already. i'm greedy. i want more than 4 hours. i feel sad n my tears dropped. one drop only! that is not crying i guess. after shopping, reached her house. i went in my cous bedroom. i feel very weak. heart is like so weak. i cried. sorry =( i tried to sleep but i can't. so i went to take a bath and i feel much better. i bought a short pants at queensbay. i miss you

p.s. i wish i can be with you longer. but i will definitely treasure our every last moment.

Friday, December 5, 2008


i just realised a lot of people ask me this question. "Will u still accept him back if he come back to you one day. Eventhough he treat you so badly now." well. my answer is " Yes. If he come back i will definitely accept him back. I love him" and they all just say no medicine for me. hmm. is it wrong? i really do love him k? he can treat me badly. but the love just won't go away. he can have feelings for other girl. he can flirt around. he can remove everything about me from his life. eg. he deleted all our pictures. the video he did for me [luckily i still have a copy of it], he changed his bed position [well, you all can see from the older post what memories we have on his bed], he did not wear any of the necklace that has anything to do with us [eventhough he don't like the one his friends bought for him during his birthday (not his style) but he wear it cause he say no necklace to wear already] i will still love him.

friends... u all can say i'm stupid. but that is love isn't it? look at the pic up there ^^^ memories. there's too much thing that happen in that 3years and 3 months relationship. did anyone of you have that long relationship before? there's still something that is in my heart. the things that we plan. will it come true or will it be a dream in my heart? we planned to go australia after finish college. we plan what age want to marry, have baby. how old our baby will grow and we can enjoy our life. he open his restaurant and i will be the restaurant accountant. our future house. he bought a jigsaw puzzle and already stick it up for our future home. then, he said his grandma got a collection of rings. that ring will be for us to wear next time we marry. we wanted to go Genting Highlands to celebrate Christmas together. we wanted to go Bukit Merah and swim together. we wanted to rent a place to stay. at night we can go somewhere sit and look at stars together. he wanted to bring me to seberang shopping mall [he say it's not true] before he ask for break up, he wanted to bring umbrella for me cause it's going to rain already. and i'm walking to my friends house. he planned so much but he ask for break up. i really don't understand what he is thinking about..... and last year. he asked for break up. now he say last year he wanted to break up is because of he want to be single but he pity me that's why. but last year when i asked him why he want break up after we ok already, he say he scared he can't give me a good shelter and stuff. but i know last year reason is the real one. this year is the fake one. right???

p.s. yeap ken min. i hope you will be happy if that means i have to be sad. xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo 15times of _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ _ for you

Thursday, December 4, 2008


please don't scold me for running out of house to find him! i know it's dangerous. but i said i will do anything for him. so i went there. i know it's dangerous k. i brought a weapon to protect myself =] the pen he bought for me. laugh at me =/ i should bring something else. cause that pen is supposed to be something that won't make me feel scared. understand ler k all my friends??? =( you all should know how much i love him. i know i'm stupid. don't scold me k? sorry sorry. i'm safe already so don't angry. smile smile =] teddy. i know it's dangerous ok? don't scold already. yea the guard really miang mia. but he's there so i'm not worry anymore. don't worry k teddy. =] and to the rest of my friends that i said sorry the night i run from home. the mistake that i did is run from my house. i know you all will scold me. so i just apologise.



since this post is going to talk about his lies then i shall put his favourite colour. first lie. about his friends and family list. he said he deleted my number from the list since the day he ask for break up. i thought he really deleted it so i did not say anyhting. the day when i go find him. i checked his friends and family list. my number is still there. i didn't you know say him there. i just say him through messages. he say he already lie so he have to lie till the end. i have nothing to say

second lie. he say. he won't fall for other girls. maybe I'm stupid to trust him ler. at last also he fall for other girl. a girl that is not his taste! hah! he don't like girls with no fringe. girls with short hair. and now she fall for this kind of girl? *speechless* when i say that girl no fringe, he say she got fringe just that hide it. and that reminds me of something he say. " the ppl that got fringe they pin it up or hide it, better don't need to have fringe easier.they pin it up or hide it is equal to no fringe already what. no need waste energy to pin it up ko save money don't have to buy pin" maybe you should say that to that stephanie. *laugh* [there's this stuff. well. not to say bad. but i a lot of ppl say she's not pretty. and say it's unbelievable that he like her. *laugh to death* then, there's someone say i should feel proud, another one say his eye something wrong if like her, another one say she look fat]

third lie. i ask her is he and that girl more than friends. he say no. friends only. after that, i ask him again. he say yes more than friends. i was like. what the hell. and he say he thought that more than friends is still friends but sms more than normal friends. well that's correct but he say no. he is twisting everything around. and at last say is he interprete wrongly. what a good reason.

fourth lie. i ask him nowadays he sms a lot also right. he say NO. yesterday i ask him again. he say yea. so i say why before this i ask u say no. his answer is now only sms so much. last time really not that much. yea right! if not that much why someone say that he sms a lot. such a stupid reason.

fifth lie. there's once he can't receive message. so i called him. and ask him he's in class is it. he say yea in class straight away say bye and off the call already. so i thought he's in class don't disturb him. but i feel weird. if in class why so noisy. and the environment doesn't sound like in class. and also in class why no line. after that, my friend smsed me and told me saw him at gurney. i was like. he just told me he's in class. i asked him again. he say owh. really? i heard wrongly. i thought you say not in class. cause i was rushing to go eat and there noisy.

sixth lie. he promise me and his mum he will be a good guy. seems like he is saying another big lie again. last time he is really a good guy. but now his attitude changed. he is not the yeap ken min i knew. his mum must be disappointed to see him. he is not a gentleman anymore. he changed to a hot-tempered guy. a guy that do not keep promises. lots more.

seventh lie. he said he want to save money. that's why he sit that girl's car. and he don't on air conditioner when sleep. but he is wasting money on all the movies(it's not a waste if the movie is really the ones that you like to watch but in his case it's not) and also on laptop the whole night because want to listen to music while sleeping. the lie is he did not sit the girl car because want to save money.

8th lie. i ask him he like to watch twilight or not. he say don't like. that day when i go find him. he told me that he watch twilight already. i did not say him face to face. i say him in message. as usual i'm a coward =/ he say it's because nearly all the movies he watched already. so have to watch. lame reason. watch already can don't want watch mia what. *shakes head*

i just realised i forgot about another lie
9th lie. i said i wish i can celebrate christmas with yeap ken min every year. then he said sorry cause he not celebrating it this year cause he's working. then, that tuesday when i went to queensbay to find him. i asked him again he not going gurney to celebrate christmas this year. he said nope he got other plans already. but he just said he won't be celebrating it. his reason is he say he will go after work. wont't be going to gurney. another lie. say won't celebrate christmas. now say not going gurney to celebrate. haih

10th lie. last time. he said he got a crush on a girl. then he show me the girl picture. but it's not that girl. another one. liar. then. after don't know how long. i say he not loyal cause he sure must been fall for the girl when we're together. then he say. no he is loyal. he just got feelings towards the girl. whoa! what a good lie. first crush now feelings. he don't even know he got crush on her or any bit feelings towards her.i really feel he don't even know his feelings he already forced himself to make a decision.

p.s. be the good yeap ken min back

let him go =]

i decided to let go already. i can't do anything anymore. this is the only thing i can do since he got feelings towards that girl. but all those lies. i'm really disappointed. why must he lie? he can don't love me he can hate me for what i did =/ but why lie? about his liesss. i will tell in another post. i am addicted to the song love song by taylor swift =]

We were both young when i first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did i know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And i was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and i said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and i'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So i sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

Cause you were Romeo, i was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and i said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and i'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When i meet you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me i've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? i don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all i really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both so young when i first saw you

i don't know why i'm so addicted to it. one of my friend ask me to think deep why i like it so much. well, i guess i am just hoping for that to happen to me. cause the first part really sound like me and him. not a lot. quite =]

let's talk bout few nights ago. on the 1st of december i run out from house. to go find him. he is working until 12.30. so i run out from house 9.30 pm. walked to padang tembak and waited for bus. and that time i was perspiring like hell but no tissue. i have to use my hand to wipe it away. =/ bus came around 10. reach prangin and waited for another bus to go queensbay. 10.30 another bus came. reach queensbay at 11pm. i walked and enjoy the view there. cause that is the first time i'm there alone and queensbay is closed already. i walked to starbucks and peep at him. for so long. i was so scared he will saw me. so i hide behind a wall. then, suddenly i need toilet. to go toilet i need to pass starbucks and he was there. so i used my weapon. long hair to close my face and quickly walk in. i think he didn't saw me. oh. and there was this guard. keep talk to me. gahh. he saw me crying =/ asked me why am i so sad? why i cry? haih. he asked who am i waiting for. i say friend working in starbucks. then he ask your boyfriend is it? i was like erm. no friend only. then after that he saw me. he called my name but i don't want to look at him. i don't know why. then the guard was like. ei your friend calling. after that, the guard scared already. he asked me wil he be angry. well, i don't know so i just say i don't know. then, he didn't talk to me already after that. i mean the guard. i think he's scared. waited for 1 and half hour there. finally, going to 12.30 am. before that, i went in. i wanted to buy some drinks. he was busy making some drinks. didn't saw me. another guy there say they close already. i walked out. he still haven't saw me that time. after he saw me, he want chia me a drink. it's green in colour but i don't want. i don't know why but i keep walk and walk and walk. and the tears keep drop. ='( nearly 12.30 am i saw something like his car. i went down and look at the car plate number and! his car. but inside so many ppl. i thought his mum is at turtle land what. where can be so many ppl in car? maybe his dad with friends. when he came out, i'm supposed to talk to him but i end up erm. didn't talk. i lazy type already. he called my sister number and parents came. i still wanted to talk to him so i asked my dad to bring me to his house. i know i'm crazy =/ but at last i did not talk. ahahhha. laugh at me. go back get a good rest. and the next day went to queensbay find him again. this time with mum's permission.

p.s. i may let you go already but my heart still love you. still hope that you will come back eventhough it's impossible.